People just love to hear stories about other people. You can clearly see this in the popularity of magazines, internet sites, and television programs (including so-called reality television) that are devoted to giving us a glimpse into the lives of celebrities and folks who hope to become celebrities. You can see it in the debates that happen online and in the media around who is dissing whom in their most recent song lyrics. And, unfortunately, you can often see it any time two or more friends get together but one of their mutual friends is absent.
That last scenario, in which some friends gossip about another friend they have in common, is seldom kind or uplifting. And if the friend being talked about eventually learns of the stories being told, relationships can crumble and resentment can build up.
That danger is present anytime people gossip, of course, but for our purposes here, we want to talk about the ways to make it less likely that meanspirited storytelling will undermine your recovery. Gossip can lead to feelings of shame, betrayal, and sadness—and those sorts of feelings can chip away at the foundation of your recovery and put you at risk of experiencing a relapse.
We have three suggestions for minimizing the likelihood that people tell stories about your recovery or other aspects of your life when you are not around.
Make Sure You Do Not Become a Gossip
It’s an easy trap to fall into: Someone tells you something juicy about someone else and you find yourself eager to repeat the story to another person. As more people tell the story, it might get twisted in one or another until it barely resembles the truth—and the subject of the story might find themselves ridiculed or avoided.
It can feel fun or harmless to repeat a story about someone else, but the fact is that doing so can lead to real damage. And if you get a reputation as someone who spreads rumors and the like, you might be making yourself a more attractive target for others who want to gossip—which is, as we have noted, a potential danger to your recovery.
So, you have two good reasons not to be the kind of person who “spills the tea.” First, doing so is often (even usually) unkind. Second, turnabout is fair play, which means if you gossip, you can probably expect to be gossiped about by others.
Internalize the Lessons of the ‘Anonymous’ Recovery Programs
This suggestion is directly linked to what we talked about above. One way to remind yourself not to gossip about others is to think about the lessons on display in a program like Alcoholics Anonymous. Famously, when a person in recovery from a substance use disorder introduces themselves at an AA meeting, they only use their first name. That, after all, is what puts the “anonymous” in Alcoholics Anonymous.
That practice of maintaining a shared circle of trust while also protecting your own privacy is important. Everyone at an AA meeting (or other recovery meeting) knows that what they hear in the room is not for sharing outside of the room. Your stories continue to be yours rather than fodder for gossip.
You can apply that lesson outside of a meeting setting. Sure, in your day-to-day life, plenty of people will know both your first and last name—and far more besides. But the lessons from AA are still relevant. Your experiences related to a substance use disorder, treatment, and your ongoing recovery are no one’s business but your own. When and if you choose to share them with others, make sure you establish a boundary with someone you trust to respect your privacy.
The Benefit of a Good Stock Answer
Regardless of how tightly you guard your privacy, plenty of people are likely to be curious about your drug or alcohol use and all that has come after it. And many of those people will be bold enough to just ask you about it. To deflect that kind of invasive inquiry, it can be useful to have a stock answer at the ready.
We might suggest something akin to: Thank you so much for thinking about me. To be honest, I don’t discuss these sorts of things. Thank you for respecting my privacy.
That statement is simple, polite, and direct. It might take a few tries to get comfortable shutting down a line of inquiry in this way, but with practice, it will come more easily—and more people are likely to get the message that you are not open to talking about such things. And while some folks might be offended that you are not willing to take them into your confidence, that is their issue rather than yours.
What You’ve Heard Is True: We Can Help
Located near St. Louis, Missouri, The Aviary Recovery Center is consistently recognized as one of the best substance use recovery facilities in the country. That means you can count on top-notch, personalized care provided in a safe and empathetic environment. Our ability to help those who are struggling with drugs or alcohol is no rumor. When you are ready to make a change, we are ready to help.
